Today, I was out chopping wood and skinning the  wolf I had trapped in my homemade snare, when I overheard my neighbors conversing about the game of shuffleboard they enjoyed earlier. This got me thinking of all the “sports” that should be left to women, children, and senior citizens. To save you the infuriating thoughts I just experienced, I compiled a short list of activities that have been officially recognized as sports, for god knows what reason. Remember; this is just a few of many.

First up is the ever popular game of darts, originated decades ago in Europe. Now don’t get me wrong. This is not a bad GAME to play and pound back a good lager every now and then, but to consider it a sport is absolutely ridiculous.

We at the Institute want to know just exactly what these people were thinking when they made this decision. “Well by golly, I believe it is a magnificent idea to alter my entire life to play darts… professionally.” Now that isn’t even the worst of it. Take into consideration, that while these “professionals” stand there playing with their vaginas, there are sometimes hundreds of people crowded in an arena, all staring at a dart board. The entire crowd cheers like it’s the god damn Stanley Cup, while the announcers scream into that tiny little microphone. 120! 100! 90! Seriously, have you given any thought as to what you’re announcing right now?

This entire situation wouldn’t anger me half as much if this god forbidden “sport” wasn’t televised. Every so often, I browse my sports channels to see if I can catch some real highlights, and this is what I get? What could I possibly have done to deserve this? I can honestly say I would rather spend an entire lifetime in Sunday morning church, than watch 1 hour of this nonsense.

Darts Champion….anyone else feel like throwing up?

Next up we have Karate. This style of martial arts is hands down the most lady-like, biggest waste of time in the entire sport of fighting. First of all, I find it very hard to believe that these karate black belts have anything worthwhile to teach you. You pay a monthly fee and attend multiple sessions every week, to learn what? How to ALMOST punch someone in the face? The objective of karate is to score points. Yes points. Not to outsmart or hurt your opponent. Not to make the son of a bitch bleed his own blood or beg for mercy, but to see how well you can throw a punch WITHOUT inflicting any damage. The only satisfaction that you are guaranteed while in competition is the sound of the referees voice saying “one point white.” There is no anger or emotion. No knockouts or injuries. Therefore, there is no entertainment in this form of “combat”. In fact, I am 100% sure I would experience more excitement as a blind man at a visual art gallery. I respect it as a hobby or a fitness routine, but compared to other types of martial arts, it is about as useful as sending Anne Frank a drum.

Finally we have poker. Just the mere thought of considering this a sport sends me dry heaving in the direction of the restroom. Poker is a game; a game that is paired with transsexual hookers in efforts of draining your life savings during that wild Vegas weekend. Yes, at times it can be fun to play with money on the line, but there is no way in fiery hell it should be labeled as a sport. To anyone who thinks otherwise; you disgust me.

2004 World Series of Poker champion:

Professional athlete? You be the judge.