Published on June 29th, 2009 | by Tim0
A Salute to the Beer Bong
It is in manly men’s nature to push their limits. Men have an urge to do things better, go faster, get stronger and smarter and drink as much as their body will allow in the shortest possible time. Because of this drinking urge, games such as boat races and slamming and shotgunning beers were formed. Along with various beer drinking games and activities, beer delivery devices were created. Such devices can be simple or elaborate. We already covered 3 such inventions in the Beer Belly article but there are many more. What makes these devices so great is the fact that they allow you to drink faster, but also that they are relatively easy to make and anyone with a little bit of man knowledge can throw something together.
Many devices have been designed since man began drinking beer, but this article is the celebration of one far superior drinking device. An invention that has proven itself time and time again. An invention that outdoes its competition and prevails when pitted against all newer designs. Of course we’re talking about The Beer Bong.
The complexity of your beer bong is completely up to you. Use your imagination and strive for the manliest bong of all. I have one and I went for size when making it. I made it in highschool and essentially, we found the biggest funnel we could and the biggest hose. We slapped a valve on it and we were good to go. It took some tinkering but eventually we improved our design and now have something to be proud of. The bong can currently hold over 30 cans or 10.65L of beer.
Essentially, as long as you apply the basic beer bong principles, you can do whatever you want with it.
1. The Funnel:
The Funnel concept is fairly simple. You have a big opening that will hold a lot of beer which then tapers down into a small neck which puts as much beer into the start of the delivery tube as possible. A bigger funnel also makes it easier to pour into after everyone has beer bonged a few rounds.
2 The Delivery Tube:
The Delivery Tube is what the beer flows through to reach your mouth. The thicker the tube, the more beer flows through. Remember that you will need to get your mouth around this, though.
3. The Valve (Optional):
The valve starts and stops the flow of beer. Although it is optional, it is still highly recommended. The valve makes filling the device much easier as you don’t need to pinch the hose or block it in any way. It also makes it easier to de-foam since you can leave it standing up and come back to it. Valve placement is crucial. In our beer bong modifications, we found that putting the valve as close as possible to the Mouthpiece is important. This eliminates a rush of air from the tube that is released if the valve is closer to the funnel.
4. The Mouthpiece:
The Mouthpiece is the piece where you actually put your mouth. It is the final phase of the beer bong delivery system. It is also important to mention that if you have gone with a valved bong, this piece should be relatively short to reduce the amount of air being released once opened.
Of course, this is only the classic beer bong. Many variations have been made. These variations can make it more challenging, more fun or just funny to watch. One variation you will probably recognize is The Flabongo:
The Flabongo is mainly just an easy to make funnier version of the beer bong. Other than that, it is inferior in every way.
Because making a beer bong can take some planning, there are ways of pulling it off quickly and almost anywhere you are drinking. If you have beer cans, you can just shotgun the beer. This isn’t quite the same, but the closest you will get out of a can. If you are drinking out of bottles; however, there is a fairly decent solution. All you will require is your beer and a straw.
By inserting a straw into the bottle right to the bottom, you create a tube for air to get inside. This solves the whole “glug glug” action you get from trying to slam a bottle of beer. Once the straw is in, just tip the bottle back and it should slide effortlessly down into your stomach.
That’s how it works, yes, but as men we need to make it better and manlier. I would recommend the above method to someone who has never tasted a beer before or to my grandma, but not to most men.
What you need to do here is think like a manly man. If air flowing through that tube allows beer to slide out of the bottle opening at the same rate as air coming up the straw, how easy is it to accelerate it? I’m sure you’ve already used your brain and come up with the solution, but in case you haven’t, you get someone to blow into the straw as you drink.
Elaborate Beer Bonging
The classic beer bong works great. It’s simple and provides one person with a decent amount of beer. Notice I said it provides ONE person with beer. This is the problem. Obviously, this can be solved by taking turns and sharing or by creating multiple bongs, but there is also another manlier and funnier solution. This solution is of course a more elaborate beer bong.
This monster is the 12 person beer bong. It is the creation of a damn fine man named Jeff Barton from Milwaukee (The guy in orange). This unit supplies 12 people with 2 beers each and weighs 600lbs when fully loaded. Obviously a much cooler way to share a beer bong, but not the best. Next up is the most elaborate and manliest beer bong in history. It’s not much for practicality, but it makes up for it in design and delivery. Take a look:
I know this thing kind of looks like some sort of space ship, but it is actually state of the art beer drinking technology. To go into how it works and how manly it is should be left to the designer. Check out this beer bong’s site at http://theultimatebeerbong.com/
Beer bonging is something all men should be able to do. It doesn’t raise your man points, but not being able to loses you points. In other words it’s required. We’d love to hear your beer bonging tales or see some awesome bonging pictures.
Send pics to firstname.lastname@example.org