Published on January 8th, 2010 | by Mike8
Childhood Just Isn’t Dangerous Enough Anymore
It seems that you never stop hearing about some new dangerous children’s toy being recalled and banned from the market. Every year the media goes off about how this toy lead to a broken arm or that toy is poisonous. Children used to play with BB guns, lawn darts, bows and arrows and all other kinds of potentially fatal objects for amusement. When the world is completely devoid of dangerous things for children to play with, we will truly see how important they were.
The human population is now approaching seven billion. Experts estimate that by the end of the 21st, Earth will no longer be able to support the species. For those who care about future generations, this should be a major concern that needs to be addressed. At this time there’s really only one viable solution to the problem: thin out the herd. Another, more immediately threatening problem, is that of these nearly seven billion people, many are complete idiots. In order for humanity to survive, we will need to be fewer in numbers and more intelligent. There’s an easy way to contribute to the solution of these problems: give your children dangerous toys!
The child’s brain has more plasticity than the adult brain. This was demonstrated by a family of hearing impaired people who all received cochlear implants at different ages. The younger they were upon getting these implants, the better they adapted to hearing. It should seem intuitive that someone who starts something at a younger age will be better at it. Take for example the BB gun. Many people will become soldiers, police officers, hunters, etc. Wouldn’t it be better that they were shooting from the age of five than starting in their twenties? We’ve all heard the standard precautionary excuse “you’ll shoot your eye out.” How? How do you go about shooting your own eye out? A much more rational concern is that someone else with a BB gun will shoot your eye out. This being the case, all children should have BB guns, that way the child can shoot someone else’s eye out before getting their own eye shot out. Both children learn a lesson.
Kids are eventually going to grow up (most of them anyway). When they are adults, they will drive cars. So why can’t we find those motorized carts children used to ride around on anymore? Better your child tries to be Evel Knievel on an under powered little cart (which they did) than grow up trying to jump over buses in a Chrysler.
They were banned the year I was born, but I still remember the set of lawn darts that were kept in the shed. What is wrong with lawn darts? They were fun tools of education. Lesson one: don’t stand where sharp, weighted objects will be falling. If anyone ever got a lawn dart in the head, they had it coming. How stupid do you have to be to stand where someone is lobbing a big spike into the air? Stupid enough that you will be a hinderance on humanity’s efforts for survival, that’s how stupid. The same goes for anyone who has ever been pegged by an airborn Bocce ball.
Every October, as I was growing up, my city would be full of people selling fireworks. One year the mayor at the time happened to be in the way of some youngster’s bottle rocket. That was the end of cool displays of fireworks by people who actually knew what they were doing. Just one idiot ruined it for everyone. Fireworks have gotten a bad rep lately as a result of stupid people launching at each other or blowing their hands off. What if one of these idiots joined the armed forces? He could launch a mortar straight up and kill his whole squad or blow himself up with a grenade. After receiving burns from a firework, you quickly gain a certain respect for all things explosive.
If you are a parent or plan on becoming one, I hope this article helps you. It isn’t your job to coddle your children until they become scared, quivering, idiotic little fruit loops. Your job is to raise a smart, confident and strong child until he/she becomes old enough to be able to call idiots on their stupidity themselves. Buy your kid a BB gun for Christmas. Pull the safety net of your trampoline. Childhood is about learning so kids can be better prepared for the real world. Unfortunately pain is a part of it. We’ve all been through it and are better people for it.