Published on May 12th, 2009 | by Tim3
Grigori Rasputin – The Immortal Russian
On January 22nd, 1869 there was born, in Russia, a man. His name was Grigori Rasputin and he was a Russian mystic. People’s views on Rasputin were very dissimilar. Some wanted his head while others wanted the knowledge and so called healing power within his head. While many community opinions on Rasputin were different, it did not affect who he was personally.
Rasputin was a dangerous political figure and threatened many groups and religions. Many political parties wished for his death and indeed many attempts were made upon his life. Along with his death defying nature, Grigori Rasputin (right) had a beard that would make Chuck Norris wet his pants in fear and got more pussy than a gynecologist.
However, Grigori Rasputin’s greatest accomplishment as a man was not being a well known religious figure but rather a man well known to survive death. Grigori was attacked multiple times in his life by both friends and enemies. The murder of Grigori Rasputin quickly became a legend in Russia.
In 1914, a former prostitute, Khionia Ghuseva, thrust a knife into Rasputin’s abdomen, ripping apart his stomach and tearing out entrails. She screamed her deed aloud like a young Anakin Skywalker releasing his pent up anger among the sand people and fled the scene. With pure man power Grigori lay on the ground refusing to die. He went into intensive surgery and survived the ordeal, though he often took opium to ease the pain he continued to feel in the years following the operation. To survive such an attack at all was amazing, and to continue his life as if it had never happened was even more amazing.
It was soon decided that Rasputin was too dangerous to be kept alive and a small group of nobles conspired against him. The nobles were led by Prince Felix Yusupov and the Grand Duke Dmitri Pavlovich. He was lured to their mansion under the cover of being there for a healing matter. Instead he was taken to the basement and served red wine and cake, both of which were laced with a massive dose of cyanide (reputedly enough to kill 5 men).
Rasputin was not affected in the least by the enormous overdose and the conspirators were flabbergasted at his manliness. The Prince soon began to realize that Rasputin would survive until the morning and there would be no time for the schemers to conceal his body. Before it was too late, Yusupov took a revolver and shot Rasputin through his back. The conspirators then fled the scene. Before leaving the manor grounds, Yusupov became conscious of the fact that he had forgotten his coat at the attempted murder scene.
The Prince ran back to the basement where he had left the garment and to his horror when he neared the body of Rasputin the mystic jumped to his feat and dove for Yusupov. As he attempted to strangle the Prince, Rasputin whispered portentously “you bad boy,” though many sources such as Sir Matthias, Eqs. believe he yelled defiantly “I’m gonna slit your damn throat with my teeth!” Before the deed could be done the other conspirators returned and fired on Rasputin three more times.
When the group came upon his body they discovered that, against all odds, he had still survived and quickly clubbed his wrecked body. Rasputin was knocked unconscious and wrapped in a sheet. The conspirators prayed to get rid of the man once and for all and Rasputin was tossed into an icy lake where his body submerged in the sheet, still attempting to fight its way to the shore.
Rasputin finally died after drowning. This was only known for sure when an autopsy revealed massive amounts of water inside his lungs. It has also been told that Grigori Rasputin was castrated, though evidence is sketchy and there are no certain accounts. His final date of death was the 29th of December, 1916.
It can be agreed by all that Grigori Rasputin, among other things, was a man, and an amazing man at that. The mystic survived being shot more times than Arnold Schwarzenegger was in Terminator, clubbed into submission, stabbed, and possibly castrated. He was finally killed through the simple forces of nature and by no man’s hand. This goes to show that none of his attackers were man enough to slay the mighty Grigori Rasputin.
Below is a video outlining roughly what we’ve told you above, some of the details differ slightly, but it was a long ass time ago so calm down.
-Thanks to Sir Matthias, Esq. for this article’s inspiration.