Manliest-Men Simo Hayha

Published on April 1st, 2009 | by Mike

18

Simo Häyhä “White Death”

finn_sniper_simo-hayha

Simo Hayha “White Death”
Born Rautjarvi, Finland
Occupation Finnish Sharp-shooter
Background Murdered the Soviets
Man Rating 10

I would like to introduce you to Simo Hayha, a Finnish sniper who single handedly struck fear into the entire Soviet military during the “Winter War” of 1939.

Born near the present day Russian and Finnish border, Simo entered the military in 1925 leaving his job as a farmer, to serve his country and eventually terrify the Soviets. What’s so scary about this guy you ask? Afterall he was only 5 foot 3, how terrifying could he be? He’s scary enough that his enemies labelled him as “white death”, and truly believed that he was untouchable.

Simo proved to be so untouchable in fact that he is credited for upwards of 700 Soviet kills, all accomplished in -20 to -40 degree celsius, with the use of a non-telescopic sight. So untouchable that he is noted to have killed one Soviet for every daylight hour in the middle of the winter. So untouchable that the Soviets deployed counter snipers and artillery strikes for the sole purpose of destroying “White Death”. Needless to say the closest the Soviets came to killing Simo with their artillery strikes left the back of his coat torn by shrapnel, and the rest of him unharmed.

For awhile, Simo ran around behind enemy lines destroying Soviets like it was a day off. For all you Halo players out there, you would consider Simo a “goddamn camper” who racked up enough “headshots” to make you want to puke. Eventually though, some lucky ass Commie managed a shot on Simo, caught him through the jaw and through his left cheek. Once the bullet cleared his head, he promptly retrieved his rifle and killed his attacker like a real man should.

Unfortunately the bullet that struck Simo was the end of his kill streak. He entered a coma for a little while, eventually waking around the same time peace had been declared and the war was ending. Not to be one to sit around and do nothing, this man was immediately promoted at a speed never seen before in the Finnish military. Simo immediately began hunting moose and also became a successful dog breeder after his recovery. Word is, he was still an excellent shot.

After surviving a bullet to the face, and tearing the Soviets apart, Simo lived till the ripe old age of 96 in another small town near the Russia/Finland border. For his excellence in manliness and his ability to wreak havoc like a champion, Simo deserves a 10.

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About the Author

So much man, it hurts.



18 Responses to Simo Häyhä “White Death”

  1. Winston says:

    Very nice. This guy is a true man that all other men should strive to become. He could probably make a living making noobs cry on Call of Duty 4.

  2. Tim says:

    Oh hell yes, he’s manly.
    Screw Call of Duty, though. Simo made a living making the entire Soviet Army sweat bullets. One man had an entire military scared of him. That’s all kinds of awesome.

  3. Luke S. says:

    It’s unfortunate to hear about this man terrorizing Russians because i’m Russian, but this guy sounds quite amazing. Very impressive Simo.

  4. Tim says:

    Luke,
    It’s important to note that Simo was a military killing machine. If they were battling another country, he would have slaughtered them. Simo saw no nationality or race. He just saw targets.

    In 1998 he was asked if he felt any remorse for killing so many men. His reply was “I did what I was told to as well as I could.”

  5. Paul says:

    It doesn’t get any better than this, he definitely earned that 10/10 with distinction.

  6. Josh. W says:

    Man, to hell with 10/10… 11/10. This guy is my idol man!

  7. Cory says:

    This man… is better than cheesecake, and that means a lot, this man should of gotten the Finnish equivalent of the medal of Honor.

    He is my idol from now on.

  8. Pete says:

    RIP Simo. A true finnish hero and warrior.

  9. Herpyderpyderp says:

    This is guy is a total badass, I think I just found a research topic for high school:D

  10. James says:

    This guy certainly rocks!

  11. LovestoSpooge says:

    700 kills? How much fucking ammo did this guy carry around?

  12. jon says:

    200 of the kills were with a smg. So he wasn’t a “camper fag.” 500 were legit sniper kills.
    As far as carying enough ammo, he didn’t get all his kills in one day. I think it was over the course of an entire winter.

  13. Spike says:

    Let it also be known that this man also accomplished all this while often buried up to his waist in snow, or up a tree. He also did this with very little in the way of supplies and no creature comforts. He would often flatten the snow around him so it wouldn’t puff up when he shot, and also kept snow in his mouth so his breath wouldn’t be seen. “Badass” isn’t enough to describe him. Chuck Norris has a Simo Hayha poster on his wall, dammit.

  14. Wojciech says:

    This was war and he was KILLING, not MURDERING people who invaded his country in order to send his innocent relatives to concentration camps in Siberia (they did it in all the coutries they visited). So I would suggest “murdered” to “killed” in the headline. Just for the sake of his family who may be reading this. Regards, W.

  15. Tommy says:

    Actually, Simo’s occupation was not a sharp shooter. He was just an ordinary farmer, but used to hunt and very familiar with hunting rifles. And there was thousands of Finnish men just like him on the field at the same time. Not perhaps skillful shooters like him, but as determined to defend the homeland as he was. Both of my grandfathers and all of their their brothers were there too.

  16. Suomalainen says:

    Yeah I totally agree – long live free Poland (and Finland)

  17. Bossman says:

    It’s not that impressive when you study Soviet human wave tactics. It was a Turkey shoot. The man was a formidable marksman, no doubt. But Soviet tactics hadn’t matured at that point beyond World War 1 tactics. Sub machine guns weren’t yet in wide circulation on the Soviet side (a tactic they learned from the Finnish). He was a good shot in the right circumstances. He’s got nothing on Jack Churchill. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Churchill
    The man always went into battle with a sword and was the only soldier to score a confirmed longbow kill during WW2. Now that’s BOSS.

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