Published on October 5th, 2009 | by Tim1
The Handshake: The Most Accurate Gauge of Manliness
As a man, you are required and expected to have certain natural skills, attributes and knowledge that if you were to lack, would cause you to endure endless mocking, jokes at your expense, physical abuse in the form of “horse play” and exclusion from anything where people wouldn’t benefit from you being there (If not, then your friends are just as big of losers as you and should have to endure the same). Some of these skills and attributes are (but are definitely not limited to):
- Sports Knowledge – You should know rules and how scoring works in almost all sports even if you hate them. It is not required that a man enjoys every sport, it IS important, however; that a man understands the sport and can explain it to his girlfriend or wife when she asks something like “What’s a first down?”
- Grilling Technique – Nobody said you need to own a restaurant, but all men should know how to grill up a mean steak or burger. Imagine having guys over to watch the fight and boiling some smokies. You may as well kick your own ass.
- Pub and Drinking Games – You should never find yourself out for beers playing pool and have to ask “What’s that?” when someone suggests playing 9 Ball or Cutthroat. You should always know variations of table games and the rules to them. You should also have in your repetoire 1 drinking game that you can pull out of your sleeve the second someone suggests playing one.
There is one fundamental skill that is far more important than the others, however. It alone can alter what people think of you and can cause lasting negative impressions on those around you. Of course I’m talking about The Handshake.
The handshake is believed to have come from ancient times as a way of showing whomever you are greeting that you have no weapon in hand. Obviously any real man back then would not have used it as it was a sign of weakness or they would have used it as a distraction while swinging their battle axe with their other hand in a manly sneak attack. Today, however; the handshake has developed into something extremely manly. It says much about your character and is widely believed (and rightfully so) that if you have a sissy little fingertip-grasping handshake, you are probably not all that confident and therefore not all that manly.
A proper handshake by a real man should be felt. It should push the limit and sit right on that thin line that seperates a good handshake and broken knuckles. Think of any time you’ve ever shaken hands with your old man or grandpa or any old man, for that matter. Just thinking about it, you should be able to feel the stress on the bones in your hand as they are just several PSI from their breaking point. If you are having a tough time recalling a good handshake from your old man, forget everything he has ever taught you and disown him immediately.
Here is a decent video on how to give a handshake, although; in Step 5 they mention not using too much pressure. Remember that too much pressure, to a real man, should be defined as the amount of pressure you feel best portrays your manliness. It’s also worth mentioning that a real man will never complain that a handshake was too firm.
The Secret Handshake is also very important to a man. By sharing a secret handshake with a group of friends, it will allow you to tell who is a part of your group and who the outcasts are. If you feel that everyone else in your group can’t do the secret handshake properly, you’re the outcast.
The secret handshake (manly) should never be confused with a gangster handshake (unmanly). The differences can be subtle, but are there. Essentially the difference is the purpose. A gangster does his finger flipping elaborate tough guy handshake to try to show how tough he is. It’s essentially a sign to everyone around him that says ”Look out, we’re tough guys. You better not mess with us.” Go ahead and mess with them. Such posturing is ridiculous and deserves to be put to the test.
A manly secret shake is more for the purpose of being funny and making fun of the stupid gangster handshake. The two are often very similar even, though the facial expressions will be quite different.
Although the handshake is a very fast gesture in which often no words are exchanged, it has the potential to make someone think you are the most limp-wristed pansy that ever walked the Earth or that you are by far the toughest son of a bitch they have ever had the honor of shaking hands with. The choice is ultimately up to you. Make your handshake worth it.