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Published on January 27th, 2010 | by Tim


“The Machine” to Clean Up Crime in 2012

By 2012, dumbass criminals will have an all new police tool to worry about that will maybe make them think twice about attempting an escape. Let me introduce you to Carbon Motor’s E7 Police Cruiser, AKA: “The Machine”.

The idea behind the E7 was fairly simple. Current police cars are all modified versions of civilian cars. These civilian cars were simply not designed to withstand the abuse that a police cruiser sees in the line of duty. These vehicles also weren’t designed to be police cars. Sure Ford made their Crwon Victoria Police Interceptor (Which is a good car), but it was still based on an ordinary Crown Vic. The E7; however, is the first police car designed by police for policing. It is “purpose-built,” says Carbon Motors. The car simply has no other application. Think of it as the Robocop of police cars.

Purpose-built/per-pes-bilt/: built for particular purpose. (Merriam-Webster)
Purpose-built/per-pes-bilt/: built to kick some butt (Carbon Motors)

So what makes this car so police friendly? It has an extensive list of features guaranteed to have our boys in blue drooling over it. Some of these features include:

  • 75 mph rear impact crash capability
  • Cockpit with fully-integrated factory fitted law enforcement equipment
  • Integrated emergency lights, spot lights, take down lights, and directional stick
  • Segment exclusive coach rear doors for safer suspect ingress and egress
  • Vehicle dynamic control
  • Optimized approach / departure angles and ground clearance
  • NIJ Level III-A (or better) ballistic protection (front doors and dash panel)
  • Purpose-designed seat for use with on-body equipment – Heated and ventilated seats
  • Heads up display
  • Reverse backup camera
  • Remote start capability
  • Driver specific intelligent key
  • 360 degree exterior surveillance capability
  • Automatic license plate recognition system (ALPR)
  • Video and audio surveillance of rear passenger compartment
  • Nightvision compliant interior illumination
  • Integrated forward looking infrared system (FLIR)
  • Integrated shotgun mounts
  • Hoseable rear passenger compartment
  • Integrated push bumpers and PIT capability

The Machine is powered by a 3.0-liter diesel that churns out 300 horsepower and delivers 420 pound-feet of torque on a six speed auto transmission. The E7 rides on a 122-inch wheelbase and has a curb weight of 4,000 pounds. It does 0-60mph (96km/hr) in 6.5 seconds and can reach speeds of 155mph (249km/hr). Put all of these features together and you truly do have a revolutionary new piece of law enforcement equipment. Idiots beware, pissing off police has suddenly become much, much dumber.



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About the Author

Tim is curator and co founder of When he’s not shaving his face with a bowie knife he’s helping men be better at what they already are: men.

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